>The Wine Theatre, Southwark, London

>The Wine Theatre

★☆☆☆☆

Here’s the winner of the monthly TFYS award for Most Boring Menu. It reads like a species of dilute Jamie Oliver, a sleepwalker’s wander down a well-wandered path. Hazily Mediterranean, Brit-friendly staples: carbonara, garlic bread, lasagne. It’s food so sterile it’s had a vasectomy, ideal for diners with the itchy-footed adventurousness of paranoid agoraphobes. How I wish the chef had enough self-respect to include just one thing with a bit of interest, a dish to snag the eye and pique the senses. I don’t know, a bottarga maybe. Or a nice piece of liver.

The Wine Theatre opened recently on an ugly road in Southwark, far from Borough’s madding crowd. When I showed up, it was bleakly deserted, and a pretty waitress was reading the Metro. ‘I’ve booked for two,’ I proffered, rather redundantly. She lifted an ambitiously large reservation book and opened it at random, to a page joyfully bereft of writing. She studied this intently, apparently scanning through hundreds of bookings. ‘Yeeess… What was the name?’

I told her, and she looked up, throwing a long gaze round the room, as though overwhelmed by the heaving bodies, bustling staff, clinking crockery, kitchen cat-calls and scraping chairs, as she searched for a tiny corner to squeeze us in among the hubbub. I looked around the empty space, which has the optimism of a dentist’s waiting room, and asked if we might sit outside. ‘Um… I think that should be fine.’ No-one else showed up.

In a breathless preamble to its menu, The Wine Theatre makes much of its ‘philosophy’, the ‘aperitivo’. There’s a great deal of branding puff around ‘aperitivo’, as if it were the most radical gastronomic concept since Theophanu, the tenth century Byzantine Empress, popularised the fork. From what I can gather, ‘aperitivo’ consists of a free nibble with your drink. Hardly the Shock of the New.

I went with Robert McIntosh, who writes Wine Conversation. He chose a deliciously light and supple Barbera d’Asti, perfect for lunchtime. Which was just as well, because this was some of the blandest food I’d eaten in ages.

Robert’s starter reeks all the way from the kitchen. It’s a noisome dish of pastey sardines and overcooked onions spattered with raisins, like fishy muesli. I have a revolting salad of squid and olives. The squid is pre-frozen and cut into stumpy fag-butts, surrendering all pretence of flavour. The olives are sliced, and straight from a tin. At what point, do you think, does someone decide an olive would taste better sliced? Do these people lie in the bath and say to themselves: ‘Olives are a perfect size to pop in your mouth. Humans have grown them for as long as they’ve grown anything. We have machines nowadays that stone them if you can’t face spitting out the pip or putting your dentures in. So the only way we can improve on this is by cutting them up into meanly astringent little slices, like caustic Polo mints, and steeping them in horrendous vinegar’?

I can’t understand the logic. Why would anyone, anywhere in the world, want to eat a sliced olive? Chopped into tapenade I well understand; stoned I can just about handle; but these are pocked, mutilated monstrosities, an insult to the noble name. The best thing about the dish is the griddled ciabatta on the side, though it makes Jadis look warm.

My main course is slightly better. ‘Fettucine with prawns’ turns out to be a clump of coldish pasta with two anaemic prawns on the side. It comes with courgettes (the menu promised rocket) which were cooked ages ago and are bracken-brown and slimey; and some chunks of cat-food tuna. The prawns weren’t prepped properly, and each carries a streak of intestinal waste down its back. Robert has a lasagne which I strangely forget to taste, though it doesn’t look bad. I finish with an amaretto crème brûlée, which had sounded interesting. But rather than spiking it with Amaretto liqueur, which I’d hoped for, they’ve crushed amaretti biscuits into the custard, a terrible idea. The soggy crumbs give it a mouthfeel like a frog spawned in it. I don’t finish it.

Some might argue that, because the restaurant has the word ‘wine’ in its name, I should make allowances for it. The drink’s the focus here, they’ll say: it’s wrong to concentrate on the food. Well, this is a food blog, and The Wine Theatre is a restaurant. Its solitary waitress is friendly and amenable, its wine list is sound, and its loos are spotless. To use a technical term, though, its food is pants. I give it six months before it’s curtains.

The Wine Theatre, 202-206 Union Street, Southwark, London SE1
Tel. +44 (0)20 7261 0209

See on the Map

Lunch for two, including drinks and service, costs £75

The Wine Theatre on Urbanspoon

www.thewinetheatre.co.uk

All pictures mine except the exterior shot, courtesy of the London SE1 Community Website

>Franco Manca, Brixton, London

>


Franco Manca

★★★★☆


My only job in catering, if you can call it that, was during the school holidays in Edinburgh, at a deliveries-only Pizza Hut. I took the orders over the phone, folded the boxes, foil-bagged the Ben & Jerry’s and the Irn-Bru. I sliced at the ‘cut table’ with a huge mezzaluna, and I slid the pizzas into cardboard. I made them, too – or at least, I assembled them. This was a curious operation. We removed thin, frozen pizza slabs from plastic wrapping. We splashed a pre-set quantity of fat into the deep dishes, dropped the cold discs in, and sprayed them heavily with chemicals from a mysterious and unidentified canister. Overnight, they defrosted, and swelled like boils into the pans, their dough as wet and pale as drowned corpse. Then we smeared them with tomato and cheese, and scattered them with toppings: rabbit-droppings of beef and pork (distinguished by different shades of brown), dry, raw chunks of green pepper, uniform slivers of salami, and stinking slugs of anchovy. ‘We eat the mistakes,’ the manager told me on my first day. He meant it as an incentive. I took it as a threat.

Franco Manca is nothing like Pizza Hut. It’s nothing like Pizza Express or Strada, either – those serviceable, clean and still very modern chains, each as blandly uncontroversial as an episode of Friends. Franco Manca is loud, brash and uncomfortable. It serves the worst white wine I’ve ever drunk, a lukewarm blend of bat piss and great-aunt’s sherry. The salad, which has a little chopped fennel, is actively boring. The much-trumpeted home-made lemonade is rather sickly, to my taste, although it’s cheap at a quid a bottle. The menu is as brief as a pair of Y-fronts.


But it makes the best pizza in the country.

It’s buried in Brixton Market, between plastic and plantains. An old Nigerian man wanders around outside yelling passages from the bible. As you queue – and you will queue – they take your order, and as soon as you sit down, the pizzas arrive. The wood-fired oven roars at 500 degrees, and the dough needs just 40 seconds to form a glorious speckled char, like leopardskin, for the cheese to bubble across the surface, for the tomato to roast until only its sweet, sunny essence, its deep red colour, are left.

I went with Kang, who runs one of the best-looking food blogs of all, London Eater. He recently hosted a competition on his site, which I won, and I suggested we put the prize towards lunch. Next on my list of places was Franco Manca, so that’s where we went. I told him where it was, adding: ‘You know, Kang, you’ll have to answer to the puns of Brixton.’

And I spent all week looking forward to it. Pizza is all about promise. It’s a treat biked to the door, in grease-doused cardboard, piping cheesy steam from corrugated port-holes. For kids, it means a fun day out – Saturday lunch in a bright room, dough balls and an American Hot. And even more, written in the history of pizza, almost in its soul, is a bigger and more powerful promise: the hope and expectation of a better life. The pizza we eat today is an actively, greedily mercantile mating of Old World and New. The ur-pizzas, proto-pizzas, those combinations of flour, leaven and salt, eaten across the northern coast of the Med – they were taken west (arguably to Lombardi’s in Manhattan, where I’ve eaten fine specimens), and commercialised, franchised and supersized, crust-stuffed, deep-dished, ham-and-pineappled, topped with caviar and smoked salmon, or hoi sin and shredded duck. Pizza is now the most globalised food of all. In it is everything you need to know about the motives and movement of people around Europe, America, and everywhere else. Kim Jong-Il loves it, for God’s sake.

For anyone of my generation, we can measure out our lives in the pizzas we’ve eaten. When I was ten years old, the universe offered no bigger treat than a Meat Feast on a Saturday night. When my parents divorced, and it was six years before we ate together again as a cracked, estranged family, that first meal was in Pizza Express. In the Oxford branch, in the oldest covered market in England, I ate more pizzas than I care to remember – always wine-fuelled and roaring, and never for much more than 20 quid. There, too, one Thursday, I got a stay of execution for a doomed relationship. And since I began working in London, the Strada at St Paul’s has probably fed me more lunches than anywhere else. Franco Manca makes better pizza than all of these places. It’s a new benchmark. From now on, when I want pizza, and I’m able to go, I will. (It follows market hours, and only opens for lunch Monday to Saturday.)

The thing is, I could tell you about the 20 hours they leave the sourdough to rise. Or how the dough was started in the 1730s. I could talk about the surgical attention to sourcing – meat from Brindisa, coffee from Monmouth, olives from Spain because the owner, Giuseppe Mascoli, thinks they’re better than Italian ones. I could mention the cheesemaker he flew to England to teach Somerset buffalo farmers how to make the milkiest, silkiest mozzarella. I could add that the oven is the only one of its kind in the country, and was shipped here from Naples. But it’s all extraneous. Go there, and eat, and you won’t care. It’s too bloody good.

Franco Manca, 4 Market Row, Electric Lane, Brixton, London, SW9
Tel. +44 (0)20 7738 3021

See on the TFYS Map

Lunch for two, including drinks and service, costs £20. That’s all.

Franco Manca on Urbanspoon